Every day is bad. Even when it's good, it's bad. I have moments where I forget about Jared. Forget about him and his girlfriend and the life I once had. Forget all the hurt and the anxiety of having no freaking clue what our future holds. I have moments, but they rarely last for long.
The other night I got an hour. One whole hour where I felt a little bit alive. It felt good.
I was in Jagger's room playing airplane with him. He laughed and laughed. The noise resonated throughout the house and soon Zachary and Annabelle came running in. They took turns getting to be the airplane.
We were all laughing. For the first time in a long time it wasn't me on the outside, sitting in my straight-jacket of a body listening to my children laugh. I've listened to them and I've watched them for months, but I haven't REALLY listened to them or watched them. Do you get what I'm saying?
Jagger giggled hysterically every time he was up in the air. He tried to have the courage to reach out his arms like the wings of an airplane, but every time he got close to full extension, he quickly pulled them back. He didn't understand taking turns. Every time he had to wait he whined and pouted, with his little eyebrows bowing down into the perfect scowl. Oh how I love that scowl.
Annabelle, she's my brave one. My legs took her high up in the air, and she'd wave around, all smiles and giggles. "Again, again!" I love it when she gets excited.
Zachary' was the funniest. The kid weighs 60 pounds. I'd try my best to get him up there, but he'd inevitably end up falling on top of me each time. We were both laughing so hard, it was hard to maintain my strength to lift him up.
I love my kids so much. I want to give them everything they deserve. They didn't ask for this. The other night we went shopping for Valentine card and materials to decorate boxes. After we checked out Zachary said, "Mom, sorry it was so expensive. I didn't have to get that much stuff." I know he's worried.
