I was sitting in a restaurant with my parents about 2 weeks after I found out about Jared. When we were getting up to leave, this girl, about 18 years old, came up to us and told me how beautiful I was. I broke down. Her mom told us her daughters had been staring at me throughout their dinner and could not get over my looks. They had to say something. I got to the parking lot and the tears were flowing uncontrollably.
If I am so beautiful then why do I feel like the ugliest girl in the world?
Why would Jared leave me? Why would he choose someone else over me? Why do I feel rejected and broken and abused?
I lost 17 pounds in December. I couldn't eat. Every time I put food in my mouth I would start gagging. It is really weird what stress can do to your body. The food I did manage to eat went right through me. My goal jeans became my falling off me jeans. I remember looking at my emaciated self in the mirror one night. Bags under my eyes. Legs of a 12 year old boy. Hips meant to birth 10 children. Arms that barely existed. A butt that didn't. A flat stomach I hadn't seen in years. I used to dream of having a flat stomach, and now that I had it I wanted my old one back. This new one represented pain and I hated it. I stared at my naked body and hated every last inch of it.
Since that night in the restaurant, I would say I get an average of 2-3 compliments a day on my looks. It is weird because I don't EVER remember this being the case before. I had one girl tell me I was one of the top 3 prettiest women she's ever seen. I've had men, married and single, tell me how beautiful I am. I've had customers take pictures of my hair, and comment that they probably couldn't pull it off as well because their jaw line isn't as defined as mine. I've had an insane amount of compliments revolving around my jaw line, which is so odd to me. I've been told how great my smile is, even though I haven't been doing much of that lately. I've been asked if my eyes are real, which is strange because my once big brown eyes have turned into a greenish-brown-gray mess. Today someone told me I had a "very good looking neck," which was weird and creepy...but you get the idea.
You would think these so-called compliments would be a boost for the old self-esteem, but they are not. They make me feel worthless. My eyes instantly fill with water when someone starts talking about my looks, and I have to talk myself out of running away to hide.
Anyone who is remotely aware of my situation tells me "You're a cute girl, you'll be fine." I have heard variations of that line a thousand times. It's an automatic response.
"Jared left me. He's moved on."
"Well, he'll regret that. Look at you, you're a cute girl. You'll be just fine."
"Oh, come on. A cute girl like you? You could get anyone."
"Well that's funny because if it were true then I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in."
You're a cute girl? What does that even mean? Since I couldn't keep Jared around with my good looks, then surely there must be something wrong with the rest of me.
Never mind that I might have a good personality, or a good heart, or any other good attributes. Apparently none of those things matter. What matters is something that has nothing to do with me as a person. It's something I can't even control. It doesn't matter what a person looks like on the outside; it has no real impact on the quality of life. Pretty or not, that doesn't make for much of a eulogy at a funeral. Well, she had good looks, so you know, she must have had a good life.
Do you get what I'm saying? I'm sure people are trying to be nice, but it seems like the most shallow thing you could say to someone. Each time I hear it my spirit shrinks a little inside. I interpret it as "Looks are all that matter anyway and if you can't find someone based on that then there really must be something wrong with you."
I do feel like the ugliest girl in the world. It's a feeling on the inside, and nothing anyone says about my outside appearance can shake this feeling. My soul is damaged, and I'm not quite sure how to fix it.
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